Sometimes a day goes by and just nothing funny happens. That is not a good day for me. The last few days have had funny "moments" so I thought I might just share those.
First place goes to one of my patients. Obese. He goes for a walk with his bariatric rollator walker and decides to sit on it for a rest. When he tries to stand up , he can't. He is stuck and it is too low. I seek help. I recruit some muscle and together with one arm each under his arms we haul his ass up. And guess what? The whole friggin walker comes with him.....stuck to his butt, all four wheels in the air. Just about peed my pants.
Second place goes to my BFF falling asleep in savasna BEFORE class starts and she is snoring very loudly in a silent room. Can you say "giggles" !!!
Third place goes to son #1 deciding to dance like Micheal Jackson in the middle of the living room for no apparent reason.
Things that don't tickle me funny. Plateauing on the caveman. Ten days and the scales haven"t moved. Damn. My body is exhausted from all the exercise. I am hungrier than hungry. So, I broke down and had some ice cream tonight. Almost made it a month without cheating. Of course we are not counting the little chocolate I have had or the sushi on a weak day. OK. OK.
Maybe I deserve to not have the scales move. But I ain"t giving up!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
TEN IS THE NEW TWENTY
Ok seriously now. I have lost ten pounds and I actually think that I look like the girl in leopard bikini in the picutre. I think I have some self image issues. I went so far as to shop online for a leopard print bikini. Could only find them in size XS/S and S/M. One website actually said...available up to size 6 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. So I googled PLUS SIZE CAVEMAN BIKINIS
and guess what? Not a lot of bikinis in plus if ya know what i mean! Feeling kinda swelt.... bought some new yoga pants size L NOT XL. Thank goodness. But really now, isn't ten pounds really the new twenty? In my mirror it is. I think an update is in order here. Swam 2 km yesterday, feeling kinda frisky but my HR stayed high for hours after. DAMN. Thought I did kinda good in yoga today until son number 1 says," what's with going totally into dancer's pose and then crashing into the wall?" I DID NOT crash. Fell sideways maybe. Tried to make it a quiet landing. Failed. Thought I was twenty pounds lighter, not ten. The exercise thing is going ok. The food thing...not sick of pomagranates yet.....can't eat enough curry soup.....don't crave sugar. Did I just say that?
Don't crave sugar? But I do think about the mini donuts at Montanas every day.
Considering a mystic tan. Sort of like a reward. I was actually thinking of putting on a really old nasty thong and getting the spray tan so that my ass looks like those gals in the porn flicks. You know what I mean. The stupid little triangle at the top of their crack. My theory has always been that tanned fat looks better than white fat, so why not? Maybe some stupid pasties for my nipples? Or maybe just the donuts at Montanas.
Loving my new 'mock sushi' and surviving the hunt through the grocery store. Happy to be done week two, not so happy when FITNESS PAL my ass tells me that I have ten more weeks until I reach goal. Make that eleven weeks.
I have to get those mini donuts soon!!!!!!!!!!!
and guess what? Not a lot of bikinis in plus if ya know what i mean! Feeling kinda swelt.... bought some new yoga pants size L NOT XL. Thank goodness. But really now, isn't ten pounds really the new twenty? In my mirror it is. I think an update is in order here. Swam 2 km yesterday, feeling kinda frisky but my HR stayed high for hours after. DAMN. Thought I did kinda good in yoga today until son number 1 says," what's with going totally into dancer's pose and then crashing into the wall?" I DID NOT crash. Fell sideways maybe. Tried to make it a quiet landing. Failed. Thought I was twenty pounds lighter, not ten. The exercise thing is going ok. The food thing...not sick of pomagranates yet.....can't eat enough curry soup.....don't crave sugar. Did I just say that?
Don't crave sugar? But I do think about the mini donuts at Montanas every day.
Considering a mystic tan. Sort of like a reward. I was actually thinking of putting on a really old nasty thong and getting the spray tan so that my ass looks like those gals in the porn flicks. You know what I mean. The stupid little triangle at the top of their crack. My theory has always been that tanned fat looks better than white fat, so why not? Maybe some stupid pasties for my nipples? Or maybe just the donuts at Montanas.
Loving my new 'mock sushi' and surviving the hunt through the grocery store. Happy to be done week two, not so happy when FITNESS PAL my ass tells me that I have ten more weeks until I reach goal. Make that eleven weeks.
I have to get those mini donuts soon!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
IS THIS NORMAL?
OK. Let me start by telling you that I love her. I mean, really love her. If you read my other blog you would know that I have already dedicated an entry to her. But she takes this dieting craziness to a whole other level....let me explain.
She is totally dedicated. Like nobody else I have ever met. She has her plans. Fitness plans. Food plans. The girl has plans. And when she is on a plan...look out. There is nothing stopping Ms. Canada. There has been FIT FOR LIFE or POWER UP or MEET ME AT THE GYM or something for most of her life. And she looks fabulous. This is a gal that brings her own diet or PLAN food to a girl's event. This is a girl who eats protien shakes and bars on vacation. But this is also a gal who can scarf a row of brownies at a weak moment. And I love every minute of it. You see, because of her committments we love and hate her. Other girlfriends are quick to commend her dedication in one breathe and laugh at her attempts in the next. But the bottom line is, when she needs to lose that five pounds that the rest of us can't see so she can fit into the sexiest, tightest dress this side of LA, she is the one to do it! She talks about her workouts. I pretend to listen.
She gets hit on at the gym. I don't. I can't count the number of times I have heard "nice arms!" when I am with her.
But the point is, she really isn't that different for those of us with our struggles. You may not know it to look at her, but she needs support too. She needs me to drag her ass to hot yoga so she doesn"t move like Arnold Schwarentruber or whateve. She needs to hide her almonds and her peanut butter and her flour and her sugar and honey and anything else that might "get her off track" in her car. Not a car in a driveway...but a decent walk down to the garage and into the trunk. I mean really, who has to hide food from themselves. She does. But it works for her. So kudos once again. Is this normal? Probably not. But what is normal? Certainly not me. Or my approach. Or the person you see in the grocery aisle beside you. I mean, really, what am I thinking? Caveman? Yeah right. I will try but I won't be anal. It is not my style.
I won't weigh and measure my shaved turkey...wrap it up and freeze it.
I won't count my almonds or use a measuring spoon with my peanut butter.
I won't eat five times a day and eat only a 1/4 cup of green pepper at a time.
I won't get up at 430 am to go the gym.
But I will long to look like her, have her dedication and I will always support her in her efforts whether they seem ridiculous to me or not.
Because that's what friends are for.
She is totally dedicated. Like nobody else I have ever met. She has her plans. Fitness plans. Food plans. The girl has plans. And when she is on a plan...look out. There is nothing stopping Ms. Canada. There has been FIT FOR LIFE or POWER UP or MEET ME AT THE GYM or something for most of her life. And she looks fabulous. This is a gal that brings her own diet or PLAN food to a girl's event. This is a girl who eats protien shakes and bars on vacation. But this is also a gal who can scarf a row of brownies at a weak moment. And I love every minute of it. You see, because of her committments we love and hate her. Other girlfriends are quick to commend her dedication in one breathe and laugh at her attempts in the next. But the bottom line is, when she needs to lose that five pounds that the rest of us can't see so she can fit into the sexiest, tightest dress this side of LA, she is the one to do it! She talks about her workouts. I pretend to listen.
She gets hit on at the gym. I don't. I can't count the number of times I have heard "nice arms!" when I am with her.
But the point is, she really isn't that different for those of us with our struggles. You may not know it to look at her, but she needs support too. She needs me to drag her ass to hot yoga so she doesn"t move like Arnold Schwarentruber or whateve. She needs to hide her almonds and her peanut butter and her flour and her sugar and honey and anything else that might "get her off track" in her car. Not a car in a driveway...but a decent walk down to the garage and into the trunk. I mean really, who has to hide food from themselves. She does. But it works for her. So kudos once again. Is this normal? Probably not. But what is normal? Certainly not me. Or my approach. Or the person you see in the grocery aisle beside you. I mean, really, what am I thinking? Caveman? Yeah right. I will try but I won't be anal. It is not my style.
I won't weigh and measure my shaved turkey...wrap it up and freeze it.
I won't count my almonds or use a measuring spoon with my peanut butter.
I won't eat five times a day and eat only a 1/4 cup of green pepper at a time.
I won't get up at 430 am to go the gym.
But I will long to look like her, have her dedication and I will always support her in her efforts whether they seem ridiculous to me or not.
Because that's what friends are for.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
BELLY BLUES
OK so a few years ago I tried Bikram Yoga. For the most part I was always the oldest and the fattest person in the class. All these friggin 20 somethings with their dancing backgrounds doing perfect poses all around me. Hmmmmmm.......one wonders why I stopped going??? But that is another story.
Currently, I am still usually the oldest and the fattest person in all my yoga classes. Now why is that? If there is someone older, they are usually slim and fit, adorable and yogi-ish and chanting like they spent six months in India. But it is the fattest thing that amazes me. Particularly last Wednesday night in some of our YIN poses. I could not stop looking at my belly. Damn. It seemed to always be in the way. Runner's lunge with the knee forward I glance back at my leg behind to check my form and there it is...my belly. In all the forward bends, passive. connective tissue stretches my yoga instructor calls them 100 times a class, my belly was in the friggin way. Now I can put my head on my knees and almost on the floor BUT imagine what I could do WITHOUT my belly. Unbelievable. Can't wait! I looked all around the class. Even though I am not suppose to. Nobody else had a belly. WTF? I must look like amazon woman to everyone else. I wonder if they whisper among themselves, "Good for her, she tries soooo hard and at that size!" Or maybe they are saying, " She has been coming for awhile and isn't getting any skinnier...must be her metabolism!"
Or maybe my ego has the best of me and they don't really give a rat's ass. I am sure that is it.
Anyway, the instructor is very repetitive...for reasons that I will not go into...but sometimes I beg for silence. He thinks it is clever to put us into a pose, talk for a minute about how long he plans to hold us in said pose, rant about connective tissue again and then start the timer for six minutes of sleeping swan. Called him on it. Got a chuckle from the class.
So, there I am in sleeping swan and finally I cannot see my stomach. I am lying on it and it is spread out underneath me. Excellent. So I start looking around again. Bad girl. I can hear the lecture from the instructor, " Don't compare yourself to others." But I can't help it. I am human.
This time I notice that none of the other ladies have their boobs squashed up against the mat like I do, They all have lovely arches in their chest wall from their hips to their outstretched arms,
Me? Well, my alignment is good, my belly is hidden and my tits are splayed out under my chin and underarms. Maybe Lululemon were on to something when they stopped making yoga gear for people over size 12!
Currently, I am still usually the oldest and the fattest person in all my yoga classes. Now why is that? If there is someone older, they are usually slim and fit, adorable and yogi-ish and chanting like they spent six months in India. But it is the fattest thing that amazes me. Particularly last Wednesday night in some of our YIN poses. I could not stop looking at my belly. Damn. It seemed to always be in the way. Runner's lunge with the knee forward I glance back at my leg behind to check my form and there it is...my belly. In all the forward bends, passive. connective tissue stretches my yoga instructor calls them 100 times a class, my belly was in the friggin way. Now I can put my head on my knees and almost on the floor BUT imagine what I could do WITHOUT my belly. Unbelievable. Can't wait! I looked all around the class. Even though I am not suppose to. Nobody else had a belly. WTF? I must look like amazon woman to everyone else. I wonder if they whisper among themselves, "Good for her, she tries soooo hard and at that size!" Or maybe they are saying, " She has been coming for awhile and isn't getting any skinnier...must be her metabolism!"
Or maybe my ego has the best of me and they don't really give a rat's ass. I am sure that is it.
Anyway, the instructor is very repetitive...for reasons that I will not go into...but sometimes I beg for silence. He thinks it is clever to put us into a pose, talk for a minute about how long he plans to hold us in said pose, rant about connective tissue again and then start the timer for six minutes of sleeping swan. Called him on it. Got a chuckle from the class.
So, there I am in sleeping swan and finally I cannot see my stomach. I am lying on it and it is spread out underneath me. Excellent. So I start looking around again. Bad girl. I can hear the lecture from the instructor, " Don't compare yourself to others." But I can't help it. I am human.
This time I notice that none of the other ladies have their boobs squashed up against the mat like I do, They all have lovely arches in their chest wall from their hips to their outstretched arms,
Me? Well, my alignment is good, my belly is hidden and my tits are splayed out under my chin and underarms. Maybe Lululemon were on to something when they stopped making yoga gear for people over size 12!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
WHERE'S THE CORAL REEF????
So we all know that diet alone doesn't work and actually makes you crazy. So I am going to step up my exercise ( which is really just yoga ) with some cardio. Swimming is the exercise of choice for me so back to the pool I go, I go. Now, as a "real" swimmer, I go equipped with my goggles and cap and a typical one piece "racing suit". There I am, minding my own business, doing my lengths up and down beside son number two when I notice her. She is standing on the pool deck in a bikini with a snorkel and full mask in one hand. I have to stop and stare. Yes, sure enough, she is entering the water, donning the scuba gear and swimming laps??? WTF. Weird, but this is Cambridge after all. Back to the lengths. Almost done and buddy pulls up beside me in the next lane. He is middle aged, in tight black boy short type speedo, tanned and with very white teeth. OMG. What is that in his hand? A snorkel and mask? Am I missing something. Is there a friggin coral reef at the bottom of the pool that I am missing? Some tropical fish getting away on me?
Again, I have to stop and stare. Son number two is not amused with me. Come on!!!! It appears that if they wear this ridiculous gear, they dont have to turn their head to breathe....that or they are checking me out in my stretched out, gapping, black, sexy as hell, 100 year old Roots racing suit. Nothing surprises me anymore.
Off to the mall. BIG mistake. Went for a new bathing suit. That wasn't the problem. It was the food surrounding me! Checked out the new crepe place. Number one son says, " Come on mom, you can't eat anything there!". Then just to rub it in when we pass the food court he says the same thing. The candy aisle at Zellers was also depressing. Stopped in front of Booster Juice cause of course, I am starving. Sucks. Sugar galore. Hey, look! There's Dairy Queen. Now I am crying. Squeeze into the size 14 speedo at Sears and get the hell outta there.
The good today was being under on the calories again ( my pal added 411 for my swim!!!), the bad was the realization that I cannot eat anywhere in public and the ugly....well.....let's be honest here, the ugly is a 51 year old with enough cellulite to stop a bus pouring herself into a tight racing suit under the bright lights with underarm fat squeezing out. Yeah, baby!
Again, I have to stop and stare. Son number two is not amused with me. Come on!!!! It appears that if they wear this ridiculous gear, they dont have to turn their head to breathe....that or they are checking me out in my stretched out, gapping, black, sexy as hell, 100 year old Roots racing suit. Nothing surprises me anymore.
Off to the mall. BIG mistake. Went for a new bathing suit. That wasn't the problem. It was the food surrounding me! Checked out the new crepe place. Number one son says, " Come on mom, you can't eat anything there!". Then just to rub it in when we pass the food court he says the same thing. The candy aisle at Zellers was also depressing. Stopped in front of Booster Juice cause of course, I am starving. Sucks. Sugar galore. Hey, look! There's Dairy Queen. Now I am crying. Squeeze into the size 14 speedo at Sears and get the hell outta there.
The good today was being under on the calories again ( my pal added 411 for my swim!!!), the bad was the realization that I cannot eat anywhere in public and the ugly....well.....let's be honest here, the ugly is a 51 year old with enough cellulite to stop a bus pouring herself into a tight racing suit under the bright lights with underarm fat squeezing out. Yeah, baby!
Monday, January 2, 2012
OUT CLUBBING
Yeah, I wish I was out clubbing. Having a few cocktails. Not measuring my four ounces of red wine into a mini glass and adding the info to my fitness pal. Hmmmm, did cavemen drink red wine? Not sure, kinda doubt they were smart enough to ferment it. Although I can picture the stomping and beating. So the contraversy continues. What is and isnt allowed on the PALEO diet. Some say potato, some say not. Bacon? Of course I say!!!! No dairy for sure yet I find recipes with butter. So friggin confusing. Oh yeah, back to the clubbing. OK OK so I didnt actually go out and kill my game but I did go grocery shopping. Damn, I passed up a lot of good stuff. Oh, and about the sugar thing. Turns out fitness pal records all the sugar in fruit, not just added sugar. My research tells me that depending on your caloric intake one is allowed 25-40 grams of ADDED sugar. I have decided NOT to count the sugar in fruit. So, therefore I have successfully finished two days without sugar. Well it is only 730 pm but so far so good. Dinner was stellar tonight...in the top ten says number one son. Homemade spaghetti sauce on spaghetti squash. I definitely overindulged. Calories still under for the day which again is a very good thing considering my yoga studio isnt open tonight. And the storm outside is keeping me inside.
The good today was the reduced grocery bill, the bad was the headache I had by noon and the ugly was the hunger pains by 3 pm. My body is in shock. Rebelling. Who am I kidding, this isnt detox, I had red wine!!! OOPS........
The good today was the reduced grocery bill, the bad was the headache I had by noon and the ugly was the hunger pains by 3 pm. My body is in shock. Rebelling. Who am I kidding, this isnt detox, I had red wine!!! OOPS........
Sunday, January 1, 2012
FITNESS PAL MY ASS
Isn't a pal suppose to be someone you like? Already I am not liking my fitness pal. Let me explain. Along with my caveman approach, I am using an app on my blackberry that counts your calories, records your activity etc etc. Now it also keeps track of your vitamins, cholesterol, protein, carbs and so on. I have punched my personal info in and today, being day one, I am already over on sugar. WTF!! All I had today was a banana and two clementines and I am over! OMG. Good thing I never recorded my sugars before. Are you kidding me? I am pretty sure that the cavemen didnt think about sugars as they scarfed down an entire pineapple or gorged on guava. Don't even get me started. Not a chance in hell this is going to work for me! But the good news is that even though I am over on protein, cholesterol and sugar....my calories are low for the day. That is really good news cause now I don't have to go out in the howling winds and freezing rain for my walk. Whew!
I woke up this morning feeling deprived before my first meal. Not good. Now as the day comes to a close I am thinking I should do caveman and not the friggin fitness pal. Forget counting my shrimp and splitting my pomegranate. Forget limiting my omlettes to one egg and whites. That is just wrong. A real caveman would gulp his eggs right outta the shell, eat the whole bunch of bananas and pound his hairy chest. Definitely my plan for tomorrow.
I woke up this morning feeling deprived before my first meal. Not good. Now as the day comes to a close I am thinking I should do caveman and not the friggin fitness pal. Forget counting my shrimp and splitting my pomegranate. Forget limiting my omlettes to one egg and whites. That is just wrong. A real caveman would gulp his eggs right outta the shell, eat the whole bunch of bananas and pound his hairy chest. Definitely my plan for tomorrow.
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